Should've said no.
Today turned out to be one of the worst.
I remembered so distinctively how i was glowing in the morning, looking forward to tennis trials. At first i was nervous since i still have to go for "trials" even after i got "accepted into the team". Though the doubts linger in my head, i decided to hold onto the tennis team's captains words: "The coach just wants to see your level of play". I thought it was more of a brief analysis of my so called "skills". As the events of the day unfolds, my nightmare was slowly becoming a reality.
I found out after the tennis "meeting" after morning assembly that only 3 out of the 8 girls in the team have to go for trials. This added fuel to my hunch about the "getting kicked out of the team" idea.
Later on, i found on SAM and other 2nd trial-ers were having their 2nd trial as well.
Hmm..coincidence?
Then during the "trials", the nerves got to me again. How can i help it? Even though i played before, I was never taught under a coach. It was all self-learnt. Even still, i could barely practice what i've studied since i have no one to play with.
With all due respect, the coach was right in saying that we were too inexperienced to join the team. I perfectly understand that. Tennis is NOT an easy sport. I clearly understand that. What hurts is that "my acceptance" into the the team, to me seemed like,"I had potential and could be useful if polished and trained". I did'nt think i'd be chewed up and then spat back out again. I who was "accepted into the team" now is declared "not good enough to train with the team". I can understand that the school only has a competive tennis team. All second-trialers have no ounce of experience at all.Even me.EVERYONE could see that. So why even bother having tryouts for non-experienced players. Why even accept ME (an unexperienced) player into the "Team". Why? I actually thought I had potential. It gave me hope. And to think this hope was easily pulverised into dust within a few hours.
At the end of it all, i was given a choice. The coach offered free beginners tennis lessons on every saturday. And if we improve well enough, we can train on both saturdays and sundays as well until we are good enough to train with the team. seriously, if the team never wanted inexperienced players to begin with, they could've barred non-experienced players from trying out.
i was never needed to begin with.
i was never seen as a member to begin with.
so why put my name on that list and gave me hope?
i can't even described how stoked and happy i was when i received the sms.
and now....this.
i would've been glad to have never received that sms at all.
it would have been less heartbreaking.
You'd probably been thinking,"JUST GO FOR THE FREE TRAININGS AND PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY? STOP COMPLAINING!". But why should i. Inexperienced players (As described by the coach) are lightyears away from being useful to the team. Quote: "Even primary 3 kids can play mini-tennis ( which i screwed up since i have never heard of mini-tennis) and could rally better than you guys (especially me)". Not to mention, there is only a remaining of two spots left which could be easily filled up by next years batch. even if i were to train again, why are the possibilities i (with about 1year of experience) would be chosen in preference? Highly unlikely.
AS such, i would like to preserve the last ounce of whatever integrity and pride i have left. I do not want to fight for a place where i am not needed. Clearly, other clubs could make use of me better .
To think the same events are renacting from 3 years ago: i was eager to learn how to play tennis. My aunt promised to signed me up for a 3month tennis course. She even bought me my silve prince ti-300 tennis racquet. I waited and waited and waited. No news about the tennis lessons. Eventually, my travelling to my cousins house to play tennis was being a heavy burden on my parents who had been driving to my aunts condominium. In addition, my tennis partner, my cousin, got sick and tired of me trying to experiment new tricks that i learnt. Without a partner to play, no support, no encouragment whatsoever, what am i to do? I am also being a burden to my parents. I had NO CHOICE but to quit. I TRIED to establish a tennis cca in yuan ching. I TRIED. but received no support whatsoever from the pe teachers.
Blame my bad luck.
3 years later, i thought i could have a chance at finally playing the sport i have always admired in jc. And then i went through the same series of false hopes and disappointments.
Maybe there was a message god was probably trying to impart onto me: i was never meant to play tennis.
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